


halcyon

by thugboyfriendnagisa



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Christmas, Christmas Party, Confessions, Depression, M/M, Recovery, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, There's a puppy, Winter, it starts off sad but the ending is happy, please exercise caution before reading, tags are really hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-16
Updated: 2014-12-16
Packaged: 2018-03-01 17:32:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2781740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thugboyfriendnagisa/pseuds/thugboyfriendnagisa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"...And Kageyama cried. There was no rhyme or reason to it. There was no reason for all of the things he was feeling. Depression was weird like that, the lady in the pantsuit told him. There was no reason for it. It just comes and stays sticky on your skin, lumpy in your throat, heavy in your heart, suffocating and cold all at once."</p>
            </blockquote>





	halcyon

**Author's Note:**

> please exercise caution before reading if you are easily triggered! there is talk of self harm and suicide, as well as a suicide attempt within this work. if you feel there are any triggers i missed, please let me know and i will tag them as such!

It was snowing.

Kageyama looked up to the sky, a gloomy grey as bright white flakes fell down softly.

He heard a child laugh in delight.

Ah. Was he supposed to feel happy about the snow?

He held out his hand, the snowflakes floating and landing gently into his palm, melting upon contact.

He could not feel the coldness of the snow against his skin.

He could not really feel much of anything anymore.

He blinked slowly, staring at his hand blankly.

His phone started ringing in his pocket.

He blinked again, slowly reaching into his pocket and pulling it out.

“Hello?”

“ _Tobio_ ,” his mother sighed in relief on the other end, “What is wrong with you, young man?! Just leaving the house like that without saying anything, you had me worried sick!”

“Sorry.” He replied mechanically, not really feeling remorse for his actions.

He could not really feel anything, anyway.

His mother sighed heavily on the other line, “Just…please come home now, Tobio. Dinner is going to be ready soon. How long will it take you to get back?”

Kageyama blinked, assessing his surroundings.

“Ten minutes, maybe.” He estimated. He felt very tired, and not at all hungry.

“Okay…Okay. Please hurry back. Alright? I love you.”

“…Love you, too.”

“Be safe! It’s cold and slippery out there!”

“Okay.”

One last goodbye, and Kageyama hung up his phone. He inhaled, then exhaled heavily, trudging through the snow, back home.

It was almost like he was walking underwater, instead of trudging through the snow.

-x-

There was nothing wrong with Kageyama Tobio’s life.

He was an only child. His mom and dad were still married and very much in love. Their family was financially stable, his father working full time and his mother picking up the slack by working part time. They even had a dog. A black and tan Shiba Inu that they adopted from a neighbor when their dog had puppies. His name was Ringo, and he was around three years old now. He was cute and fun and affectionate. He never left Kageyama’s side.

He was currently licking at the tears running from Kageyama’s eyes.

Ringo did not judge him. He did not ask questions. He did not hate Kageyama when he hurt himself. He did not scold him when he spent days at a time in his bed.

He simply curled up at Kageyama’s side and let him cry into his rough fur.

“I-I don’t know wh-why I f-feel like this,” Kageyama whispered, hugging Ringo closer, “I f-feel so _numb_.”

Ringo whimpered, licking at more of his tears and cuddling closer.

Kageyama choked out a sob.

He could not figure out what was wrong with him.

-x-

Kageyama scratched at his thighs a lot.

It was not that they felt itchy, per se. He scratched because it made him _feel_ something.

It would happen when he was distracted, staring off into space, and his hand would begin to move.

He scratched until the friction from his nails left three angry red lines on his thigh. Sometimes there would be blood.

He would then switch to his other thigh.

Scratch scratch scratch scratch scratch scratch scratch _scratch scratch scratch scratch_

-x-

It was snowing again.

What day was it? Tuesday? No. Friday? Kageyama was not sure. Days blurred together and time trudged on.

Kageyama was sitting on a bench in the park, watching the flakes flutter down all around him. Ringo sat in the snow in front of Kageyama in his little sweater and snow booties, his head resting in his lap.

Ringo sighed through his nose.

Kageyama did the same.

He watched some children making a snowman and having a snowball fight. Their laughter rang throughout the frigid air.

He wondered what it would be like to feel like that again.

Happy.

-x-

“Christmas is just around the corner!” his mother chimed from the kitchen. “And your birthday! Do you have any presents you want?”

Kageyama tilted his head.

“Not really.”

“Nothing?” she asked, surprised, “Nothing at all?”

_Happiness_ , he wanted to yell. _I want to be normal again. I want to be the Tobio you remember_.

“…Nothing.” He mumbled.

-x-

“Tobio, it’s time to get up!” his mother called.

Kageyama blinked blearily, looking at his clock.

Not a single wink of sleep. He laid in bed from 10 o’clock last night, watching his digital clock change minute by agonizing minute.

“Tobio? Are you still asleep?” his mother knocked on his door, then came in, in the middle of putting in one of her earrings. “Tobio, sweetie? It’s time to get up.”

“I know,” he said, his voice scratchy, “I didn’t sleep last night.”

“Oh? You were saying you were really tired last night when you went to bed…”

“I was.” Kageyama ground out, glaring at his clock, “I laid here from ten o’clock and stared at my clock the whole time. I couldn’t sleep at all.”

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” she sighed, walking over to stroke his hair, “Why don’t you stay home today, huh? Catch up on all that sleep you lost.”

“…Okay.” He said. His mother leaned down to press a lingering kiss to his temple.

“Sleep tight, okay? I’m going to work now. See you for dinner. I love you!”

“Love you too.” Kageyama mumbled, his eyes drooping shut.

He had a feeling, even if he had gotten all the sleep in the world, he would still be tired.

He was _so_ _tired_.

The clock blinked 6:50.

“Tomorrow,” he mumbled, his eyes slipping shut, “Tomorrow I’m gonna kill myself.”

-x-

_Dear Mom and Dad,_

_Thank you. I love you. Please take care of Ringo for me._

_I am sorry._

-x-

It was snowing again.

Kageyama held out his hand, again. The snowflakes melted into his palm, again.

He still could not feel the cold.

He swallowed thickly, then put his hand back in his pocket.

His mother had told him to come back home for dinner. She was going to make his favorite, pork curry.

Should he be feeling something? Probably. He should feel fear, right? Fear of what is to come.

He could not feel anything.

He made his way through the shopping district, the avenue dressed up with garland and Christmas lights and jingle bells, even though Thanksgiving had just been last week.

He paused at a shop to look inside. The window display was of Santa handing out presents to a group of children. It was very red and green.

He blinked, then continued on his way.

-x-

_My name is Kageyama Tobio. I am 14 years old, soon to be 15 years old on December 22 nd. I am 5 foot 11, and I weigh 146 pounds. I am an only child. My father’s name is Kageyama Yukio and my mother’s name is Kageyama Mei. We live in a house in Miyagi Prefecture with our dog Ringo. My dad is an engineer, and my mom works at home, and part time at a makeup store. I go to Karasuno High School. I am on the volleyball team. My best subject is gym. My worst subject is everything else. My favorite holiday is Christmas, even though my birthday comes really close to it. My favorite food is pork curry with an egg on top. I feel…_

-x-

Kageyama did not really think this through.

At the time, going to the lake and drowning himself sounded like a pretty solid plan. But now that he was at the lake, there were a few problems.

For starters, the lake was covered in a sheet of ice.

Second, the lake…was not all that deep. Could it even be considered a lake?

And finally, he had no means to keep himself in the water.

He stared out at the ‘lake’ in dismay.

“I just wanted to die,” he whispered to himself, “It should not have been this _hard_.”

He stood there, staring at the God forsaken body of water that was supposed to be his way out. It let him down.

“Stupid fucking lake,” he spat. The lake did not reply. “Yeah, well fuck you, too.”

“I didn’t even say anything yet.”

Kageyama jumped, letting out a startled noise. He looked to his right.

A boy, a very short boy, with a shock of orange hair that Kageyama vaguely recognized from his class was standing there. He was bundled up in a blue puffy jacket, a thick scarf tucked around his neck and ear muffs resting snugly on his ears. He had an eyebrow raised, not looking very impressed with Kageyama’s lake insulting.

“I- I wasn’t talking to you,” Kageyama sputtered, feeling his cheeks heat up in embarrassment, “I was talking to- the lake.”

Both the boy’s eyebrows shot up.

“…The lake.” He asked, and Kageyama nodded. “…You were talking…to the lake.”

Kageyama nodded again.

“…Alright then,” the boy smiled, then turned to the lake, and shouted, “Fuck you, you stupid fucking lake! Go fuck yourself!”

Kageyama blinked, his eyes widening.

The boy laughed.

“Hey, this is actually kind of fun,” he said, bending over to pick up a rock, throwing it as far as he could, “Fuck you, lake!”

“You-! _Dumbass!_ ” Kageyama choked out, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!”

“Isn’t it obvious?” he asked, grinning widely, “I’m fighting with the lake! It upset you in some way, right?”

“N…No! You got it all wrong!” he tried, but the boy ignored him, picking up handfuls of rocks and throwing them into the lake with a battle cry, the rocks crashing through the ice. Kageyama grabbed at his hands, “Stop! _Stop!_ ”

“Alright,” the boy said, his breathing slightly labored. He handed Kageyama a rock, “Then you do it.”

“Wh…What?” The boy took Kageyama’s hand, placing the rock in his palm.

“I want you to take this rock,” the boy said quietly, “And throw it. As hard as you can. Then I want you to pick up another rock and throw that one. Keep throwing them until I say so. Okay?”

Kageyama let out a breath, looking down to the bumpy grey rock in his palm. He slowly turned his head to look at the lake.

He drew his arm back, and chucked the rock as far as he could.

The noise that came after was satisfying.

A _crack_ and a _ploomp_.

Kageyama bent over and picked up another rock.

_Crack. Ploomp_.

_Crack. Ploomp_.

Another. Another. _Another_.

He was yelling now. He was yelling so loud and so long his throat hurt, but he did not stop. He picked up handfuls of rocks, throwing them as hard as he could, yelling and yelling and _yelling_.

He yelled until he fell to his knees, throwing rocks, even though he could not hear the _crack_ and the _ploomp_.

He collapsed into sobs.

“ _I just wanted to die!_ ” he wailed, “ _I just wanted to die, you stupid fucking lake!_ ”

Everything around him fell silent.

All he could hear was his gasping, choked sobs, he could feel his body quaking and quivering.

He felt a hand rest on his back.

“There, there,” the boy soothed him, “It’s okay. Let it out.”

And he did. He let out several months of tears, of anger, pain, frustration, _agony_.

The boy settled next to him, and Kageyama found himself laying across his lap, sobbing helplessly into his blue puffy jacket, the boy stroking his hair softly.

-x-

“Do you feel better now?”

Kageyama nodded sheepishly, letting the boy wipe at his face and nose with some tissue. He smiled brightly.

“Good!” he chirped, “C’mon, let’s go to my house! I’ll make you some hot chocolate.”

Kageyama nodded again with a sniffle, feeling drained and weary. He allowed the boy to hold his numb hand in his gloved one, letting him lead the way.

“What’s your name?” Kageyama asked softly, his voice scratchy.

“I’m Hinata Shouyou!”

-x-

Hinata’s house was small and warm.

“Come on in! My mom and sister are out at my aunt’s house for the weekend, so we’ll be alone. Let me turn on the kotatsu…”

Kageyama took off his soggy sneakers, then pulled out his phone, calling his mom.

“ _Tobio!”_ she yelled into the phone, then quickly cleared her throat, “T-Tobio! I-I hope you’re on your way home, dinner is just about ready-“

“Uh,” he cleared his throat, “Um, no. I…I ran into a classmate. We…We decided to hang out.”

“Oh…Oh! That’s wonderful, Tobio!” Kageyama could hear her smile through the phone, “You take as long as you want, alright? I’ll keep dinner warm for you!”

“Okay.” He swallowed, “Um. I’ll…see you when I get back.”

“Of course, sweetheart!” she said, her voice wavering slightly, “I love you!”

“…I love you too, Mom.” He nearly choked on the lump in his throat. He closed his phone and looked up to find Hinata smiling at him from the doorway.

“C’mon, the hot chocolate’s ready!”

Kageyama nodded, following Hinata into the kitchen, tucking himself under the kotatsu. A shiver shot through him, his teeth chattering. Hinata laughed.

“Wow, you were cold, huh?” he asked, setting a mug of hot chocolate in front of him, “Do you like candy canes in yours?” Kageyama nodded, and Hinata dropped a mini candy cane into the drink.

They sat in silence for a while, Kageyama huddled under the kotatsu, warming up his numb fingers and toes, shivering. The two of them nursed their hot cocoa gently, being careful not to burn their tongues.

“I’m Hinata Shouyou,” Hinata began, and Kageyama looked at him, confused. “I’m fifteen years old. My birthday is June twenty first. My favorite food is tamago kake gohan. I really love volleyball, and I’m really bad at math.” He smiled at Kageyama, taking a sip of cocoa “Your turn.”

“…I’m…Kageyama Tobio,” he said softly, “I’m fourteen years old. My birthday is December twenty second. My favorite food is pork curry with a fried egg. I…” he hesitated, “I…I love my dog. And I’m horrible at English.”

“Oh, you have a dog?” Hinata asked, “What’s its name? Is it a boy or a girl? What breed?”

“Shiba Inu,” Kageyama replied, running his thumb over the lip of his mug, “His name is Ringo.”

“Aww, cute!” Hinata smiled, “I love dogs! We can’t have any though, since my dad is allergic…”

“Hm.” Kageyama looked down into his hot chocolate.

This felt weird, and awkward, and almost too intimate for Kageyama’s taste. He had just yelled that he was suicidal in front of one of his classmates he barely knew or interacted with until this point.

He felt open and bare.

“Kageyama-kun,” Hinata began softly, moving a little bit closer, “How long have you been feeling like this?”

Kageyama shrunk in on himself.

“I’ve…I’ve been watching you, you know,” Hinata admitted, his cheeks turning pink, “Um, in class…Lately you’ve just been really spacey. Sometimes you don’t even come to school. I…I got a little worried. I’ve been meaning to… _talk_ to you, say _anything_ , really, because you just looked so _sad_ , I…” Hinata sucked in a breath, calming himself down, “If…I had known it was this bad, I…I would have talked to you sooner, Kageyama-kun.”

Kageyama felt the blood boil under his skin.

“ _Don’t_ ,” he said darkly, “Don’t treat me like some kind of charity case. It’s not your responsibility to fix me.”

“ _No_ ,” Hinata’s eyes widened, “No, no! It’s not like that! I want to help you because I care! I know I can’t fix you! Not that you _need_ to be fixed-”

“Why do you care?” Kageyama spat, glaring at Hinata, standing up, “Why do you care about me when you don’t know anything about me, huh? What could you possibly gain from helping me?”

“Nothing!” Hinata yelped, “I’m not trying to _gain_ anything, Kageyama-kun! I just want-“

“Want what? Me to get better? You don’t think I’ve _tried?_ ” Kageyama yelled, his throat straining, “Do you think I _want_ to live like this? There’s nothing wrong with my life! Everything is perfect! I have a perfect life! I don’t _want_ to be like this! I don’t _want_ to be sad!”

“Kageyama-kun-“

“And I don’t want to be some charity case to some _idiot_ from my class who doesn’t even know me, who wants to help me so he can feel good about himself!”

“ _Kageyama-kun!_ ” Hinata yelled, standing up, “If you would _shut up_ for _five fucking seconds_ , _maybe_ I could fucking explain _why_ I want to help!”

“ _Why_ , then?! Why do you want to help?!”

“ _Because I almost did the same thing!_ ” Hinata shouted, so loud it echoed throughout the kitchen.

The both of them fell silent, Kageyama staring blankly while Hinata glared at him.

“…I almost did the same thing.” Hinata said again, his voice trembling, “Because I figured out I was gay and I didn’t know what to do.”

They both fell silent again, Hinata moving his glare from Kageyama to his empty mug, folding his arms.

“If…If you don’t want my help then fine. But _please_. Kageyama-kun, your life is worth living. You need to get help from somewhere. If…If you’re depressed, it’s usually caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain. Just…Please. Even if you don’t believe me, I really do care about you…I…I really like you, Kageyama-kun.”

Kageyama froze.

Hinata’s face was now a bright red, and he quickly hid behind his hands with a muffled ‘oh my God’, sinking back down into his seat at the kotatsu.

“I’m sorry,” he whined, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to tell you that. Now I just sound selfish…”

“I…” Kageyama cleared his throat, “I should go. Probably.”

“Okay,” Hinata agreed mournfully, “I’ll give you my number. Please text me when you get home.”

“…Okay.” Kageyama relented, and they exchanged numbers. “Thank you for the hot chocolate. See you later.”

“Bye, Kageyama-kun,” Hinata waved from the door, “See you at school!”

Kageyama waved goodbye, and began the trek home.

He felt exhausted.

-x-

Kageyama paused at the lake on his way home. He stared out at the water, various areas of ice collapsed in from him throwing rocks.

He took a deep breath through his nose, then exhaled through his mouth.

He continued walking home.

-x-

“I’m back,” Kageyama called out softly, Ringo jumping from his lying position near the doorway, barking excitedly and running to him. His mother trotted in from the living room, her excited smile falling.

“Oh, Tobio, honey, you look awful!” she worried, walking over to run her thumbs under Kageyama’s eyes, “Are you alright? Did something happen?”

“Um,” he hesitated, “S…Something did happen.”

“What? What happened, sweetheart?” she asked, stroking his hair, “Did you get hurt? Did someone rob you?”

“No, nothing like that,” he sighed, “Can I eat first? I’m starving.”

“Of course! Of course…” his mother moved to the side, letting him come in. “The kotatsu is still on, so warm up a bit, alright? I’ll make you a plate.”

Kageyama sat at the table, Ringo sitting next to him. He stroked his fur and he nuzzled him excitedly, whimpering in delight.

“What’s gotten into you?” Kageyama asked, allowing Ringo to flop across his lap.

“He was sitting by the door just waiting for you,” his mother said, setting a plate of curry in front of him, then sitting next to him at the table with a soft smile, “He was acting like you weren’t going to come back.”

Kageyama halted, his spoon hovering over his plate, a cold shiver running through him.

“I…I see…” he stammered, looking down at Ringo, who let out what seemed to be a pleased sigh. He took a bit of curry, savoring the taste.

Soon he was asking for a second plate.

“Of course, dear!” his mother laughed, “I’m glad.”

“You’re glad?” he asked, and his mother smiled, kissing his temple as she set another dish of curry in front of him.

“You haven’t been eating properly in so long. So I’m happy you’re eating again.”

Kageyama paused, looking at his mother, who was smiling at him from across the table. Kageyama bit his lip.

“Mom, I think there’s something wrong with me,” he said a little too loudly, his cheeks burning and eyes stinging, “I’ve been so sad and I don’t know why. I cry all the time. I don’t know what to do, Mom. I’m so confused and sad and angry all the time, and I…I don’t know what’s going on.”

His mother rested her hand on his, grasping it tightly.

“It’s alright, Tobio.” She said softly, “It’s okay. I love you very much, and I am so proud of everything you’ve done.”

Kageyama’s heart shattered as tears slipped down her cheeks.

“I’m so happy you came home.”

-x-

_I got home okay._

_glad 2 hear it!!!!!!!! see u @ school o(_ _≧▽≦)o_

_Thank you. For everything. Dumbass._

-x-

Kageyama handed Ringo his letter.

“Tear it up,” he commanded, and Ringo sniffed at the paper, “Go on, boy. Rip it to shreds.”

Ringo grabbed it in his mouth, jolting away and shredding it up with is teeth, shaking his head back and forth.

Kageyama felt something bubble up in his stomach. He snorted, then burst out laughing.

Ringo barked in delight, scraps of paper flying from his mouth, and Kageyama laughed even harder.

Ringo barked, rushing over and butting his snout against Kageyama’s cheeks, licking the tears away.

“Good boy,” Kageyama praised him softly, hugging him tightly, “Good boy.”

-x-

“Kageyama-kun!”

Kageyama paused in the doorway to the gym, feeling the whole team look at him. He flushed hot with embarrassment.

“I-I’m sorry,” he began, “For missing so many practices. I…I was…”

“It’s alright, Kageyama-kun,” Sugawara said with a smile, “You don’t have to talk about it if it was personal.”

“But you know we’re going to work you twice as hard now that you’re back,” Sawamura grinned, smacking Kageyama on the back.

“Y…Yes!” he agreed.

“Kageyama, we got a new member while you were gone!” Tanaka shouted, pushing forward-

“Hinata?” Kageyama asked in surprise, and Hinata flushed.

“K-Kageyama-kun!” he stammered, “I…I didn’t know you were on the volleyball team, too…”

“Yes you did!” Nishinoya piped up, “You asked where he was the first day you-“

“AHHH!” Hinata yelled, covering Nishinoya’s mouth, his face turning redder, and Kageyama blushed as well.

“Well…Welcome to the team.” Kageyama said softly, and Hinata blinked, smiling widely.

“Yes! Thank you! I hope we get along!”

-x-

They did not get along.

“Dumbass Hinata! You suck at volleyball!”

“Sh-Shut up, Bakayama! I’m trying my best, okay?!”

“Things used to be a lot quieter around here when they weren’t together,” Tsukishima muttered to Yamaguchi, who chuckled nervously.

“If you would just toss to me, I could show you what I can do!” Hinata wailed, stomping his foot defiantly. Kageyama’s brow furrowed, then he clicked his tongue, moving towards the net. Hinata’s eyes widened and a large smile appeared on his face.

Kageyama threw the ball towards him. Hinata received it (a little badly), then Kageyama tossed.

Hinata jumped, and he looked like he was flying.

The ball smacked against Hinata’s palm, then against the floor on the other side of the net.

Kageyama stared at Hinata in wonder, and Hinata grinned at his red palm.

Kageyama felt his stomach twist.

-x-

“So, you mentioned your volleyball team last time,” the lady in a pantsuit said, crossing her legs and scratching her pen against her clipboard, “What are they like?”

Kageyama slumped further into his chair, pulling at a loose string on his sweater.

“They’re…nice, I guess,” he mumbled, biting at the inside of his cheek, “What does my volleyball team have to do with me being messed up?”

“You’re not messed up, Kageyama-kun,” the lady insisted, “Lots of people go through what you’re going through right now.”

“Yeah, well, we’re all messed up,” he replied, looking out the window, watching the snow fall. “We wouldn’t need to go therapy if we weren’t messed up.”

“What are your teammates like, Kageyama-kun?” she asked again, and Kageyama scratched inside his ear. “Do you have anyone on the team you’re close with?”

A bright flash of orange appeared behind his eyelids, and he flushed hotly.

“No.” he grunted, curling up further on himself.

“No feet on the chair, please,” she reminded him gently, “And you don’t have any close friends? What about the boy you mentioned yesterday…” she glanced through her notes, “Hinata?”

“He’s nothing,” he replied immediately, “He’s. No. He’s not my…I mean, we’re not…we’re not that close. And he sucks at volleyball.”

“I see,” she nodded, scratching more on her clipboard, “The reason I brought up your teammates, Kageyama-kun, is because having a good support system is really important for you while you fight your way through this. I’m sure your teammates all care about you and want you to get better.”

“…Yeah.” Kageyama agreed tiredly. “Yeah. He does want me to get better.”

“He? You mean Hinata?” she asked. Kageyama blanched.

“I-I mean they! The team! Th-They want me to get better, too! N-Not just Hinata!”

The lady in the pantsuit smiled, like she knew something Kageyama did not.

Kageyama hunched his shoulders, placing his chin in his palms.

-x-

Kageyama frowned deeply at the little pill sitting on the counter.

“ _Kageyama, Tobio. Take one pill by mouth daily. Side effects include…_ ”

“Dizziness. Headaches. Nausea. Low sex drive. Insomnia. Jitters.” He muttered, picking the tiny pill up between his fingers, tossing it in his mouth, and downing it with water.

He picked up his pill bottle and placed it back in the medicine cabinet, next to the aspirin and melatonin his father sometimes took to help him sleep.

“Tobio, did you take your pill?” his mother asked when he came down for dinner.

“Yes,” he grit out, sitting down at the table with a grumpy frown.

“Are you alright, sport?” his dad asked, tugging down his tie, “You look grumpier than usual.”

“Fuck off,” Kageyama spat out without thinking, then blinked.

“Tobio!” his mother screeched from the stove, turning to glare at him. “You know not to use such language in the house!”

“Well, I just fucking did,” he shot back, and he cringed, his dad muffling his laughter behind his hand.

“ _Kageyama Tobio_ ,” his mother said darkly, folding her arms, “If you cannot control your potty mouth, I will make you wash out your mouth with soap. _Do you understand?_ ”

“Yes. Sorry.” He grumbled, resting his head on his arms as a sudden bout of dizziness hit him.

The label failed to mention ‘ _lack of control over emotions_ ’ as one of the side effects.

-x-

“Kageyama-kun? Are you alright?” Hinata asked.

“M’fine,” Kageyama mumbled, his eyelids drooping as he stared at his lunchbox. “I didn’t sleep good last night.”

“Ah, I see,” Hinata glanced around, eating another bite from his bento. “…Um, Kageyama-kun, if you wanted…You could rest on my lap for a while…B-But only if you want!”

Kageyama glanced at Hinata, then looked down to his thighs.

“…Okay.” He agreed with a sigh. He closed his lunch and laid down, his head in Hinata’s lap.

It was a million times comfier than his pillows at home.

When he woke, he was lying in a bed in the school nurse’s office.

“Ah, Kageyama-san, you’re awake!” the school nurse handed him a glass of water with a smile, “Your friend said you fell asleep during lunch and you wouldn’t wake up, so he brought you here! Are you feeling better?”

“Y-Yes,” Kageyama stammered, his voice scratchy from disuse, “I…I’ve been on some new medication…So it makes it difficult to sleep sometimes…”

“Ah, I see,” the nurse nodded, “My husband was the same way when he had to take his medication. It’s alright, Kageyama-san! You’re awake just in time to go to your last class of the day. So you can run along now!”

“Yes,” Kageyama stood from the bed, stretching out and straighten out his uniform, giving the nurse a polite bow, “Thank you very much.”

“Have a good day!”

-x-

“Thanks.” Kageyama muttered at practice later. Hinata blinked at him. “For taking me to the nurse’s office.”

“Oh…Oh, it was no trouble Kageyama-kun!” Hinata waved his arms back and forth dismissively, “D-Don’t even worry about it!”

Kageyama raised an eyebrow, then Hinata was grinning, bouncing up and down.

“Toss to me, toss to me!” he ordered, and Kageyama rolled his eyes.

“After you practice receives, dumbass.”

-x-

“Pick a name, Kageyama-kun!” Sugawara smiled, holding out the Santa hat filled with pieces of paper with members of the team written on them.

They were having a gift exchange.

Kageyama sighed in frustration, stabbing his hand inside the hat and mixing the paper around.

_Please don’t be Tsukishima_.

He pulled out a piece of paper and looked at the name.

_Hinata Shouyou._

Shit.

-x-

“Mom, I’m going out,” Kageyama called, holding up Ringo’s leash, and Ringo barked in delight.

“Alright, make sure you have a bag,” she called back, “What time will you be back?”

“I dunno,” he replied, “I have to buy a present for a gift exchange the team is doing before winter break.”

“Oooh,” his mother popped into the doorway, wiping her hands on her apron with a smile, “Any idea what you’re going to get your friend?”

“No,” he said truthfully, “All I really know about him is that he really likes volleyball. He talks so much and it’s…it’s a little hard to focus, sometimes.” He admitted softly, and his mother gave him a sympathetic look.

“It’s alright, Tobio,” she soothed, walking over to tuck his hair behind his ear, “You’ll figure something out, I’m sure. Be safe!”

“Yeah.” He leaned down to hook Ringo to his leash, “Sit. Snow booties.” He commanded, and Ringo whined, but sat, holding out his paw while looking down at the ground. “I know, Ringo,” Kageyama soothed, “It’s already demeaning enough to be wearing that ugly sweater, right? But I don’t want your feet to get cold.” Ringo growled, almost grumbling, and Kageyama snickered. “You sound pathetic, you know.” When the last snow boot was on, Kageyama stood up. “Alright, let’s go.”

“Bye, you two!” his mother called from the kitchen, and the two of them were out in the cold.

-x-

If there was one thing that could brighten up Kageyama’s day, it was watching Ringo toddle around in his snow booties.

He held back chuckles as Ringo trotted ahead of him, occasionally shaking one of his feet before continuing on. And _God_ , that _sweater_. He was a walking disaster.

He made it to the shopping district, stopping to let little kids pet Ringo. The dog was more than happy to allow them to stroke his fur, occasionally sniffing their faces and licking them affectionately.

“Nii-chan, look!” Kageyama looked up to see a little girl with a familiar shock of orange hair come running towards Ringo. “’Scuze me, mister, can I pet your dog?”

“Sure.” Kageyama nodded, “He’s friendly.”

“Natsu!” he heard someone call, and Hinata came running over to the two of them, his eyes widening. “K-Kageyama-kun!”

“Hinata,” he greeted, “I’m assuming this one belongs to you?”

“Y…Yeah,” Hinata nodded, “This is Natsu, my little sister. Natsu, this is my teammate, Kageyama-kun.”

“Kageyama-niichan, your puppy is so soft!” she squealed in delight as Ringo licked her cheek. Kageyama flushed brightly, and Hinata smiled sheepishly.

“She really likes dogs.” He explained helplessly. Kageyama paused, looking at a shop.

“Well, I was about to go into this shop,” he said, “If you wanted, you could hold Ringo’s leash and she can pet him some more.”

“Yeah, Kageyama-niichan, yeah!” Natsu grinned, scratching under Ringo’s chin, “We’ll watch Ringo-chan!”

“Are you sure?” Hinata asked, fiddling with his fingers, “He…He won’t try to run away or anything, right?”

“Nah,” Kageyama handed Hinata the leash, “As long as, ah, Natsu showers him with attention, he won’t be going anywhere.”

“A-Alright!” Hinata took the leash, holding it firmly, “Then we’ll watch Ringo!”

“Thanks.” Kageyama muttered, entering the little shop. He glanced around, skimming the isles for anything that Hinata might have liked as a present. All he could think of was volleyball gear, a volleyball, anything volleyball related. He left the shop feeling frustrated and confused.

“Ah, nothing you liked?” Hinata asked, handing him the leash. He shook his head.

“Were you guys headed anywhere in particular?”

“Not really,” the boy shrugged, “I was just going out looking for a present for the exchange. Natsu wanted to come with me, so…here she is.”

“Oh.” Kageyama nodded, then looked back at the store, “Did…Did you wanna look in the store? I can stay here…with Natsu.”

“Ah, do you mind?” Kageyama shook his head, and Hinata smiled. “Alright! Natsu, I’m going into the store really quick. You stay here and be nice to Kageyama and Ringo, okay?”

“Yeah yeah, nii-chan,” she waved him off, and Hinata snorted, rolling his eyes.

“Kids these days,” he muttered, “I’ll be right back!”

Hinata jogged off to the store, and Kageyama looked down at Natsu, who was resting her cheek on Ringo’s head.

“Ah, Natsu,” he began, “What…What kind of stuff does your brother like?”

Natsu hummed in thought, looking up at Kageyama.

“Nii-chan likes volleyball!” she said, “And boys!”

“I-! I know that much!” Kageyama sputtered, blushing hotly, “I meant anything else besides that!”

“Hmmm,” Natsu tilted her head, “Nii-chan likes watching _Doraemon_ with me! And he colors with me, too!” she tapped her chin with another thoughtful hum, “He draws himself with a taller guy with black hair a lot. It kinda looks like you, Kageyama-niichan!”

Kageyama choked on his own saliva, Natsu smiling innocently and Ringo giving a little bark of concern.

“I’m back!” Hinata called out, “They didn’t really have anything good…eh, Kageyama-kun?! A-Are you alright?!”

“Yep,” he strained, “Just…Just fine.”

“Okay…” Hinata sniffed, “Well, are you gonna keep looking around? We could…We could go shopping together, if you wanted…”

“Okay.” Kageyama agreed, “Wherever you wanna go, then.”

“I wanna go to the toy store!” Natsu whined, and Hinata sighed.

“Alright, alright! When we get to the toy store, we’ll stop in.” Hinata relented, and Natsu cheered, grabbing a hold of Hinata’s hand, then reaching out to Kageyama.

“Kageyama-niichan, hand!” she commanded, “You don’t wanna get lost!”

Kageyama blinked, then hesitantly gave her his hand, which she gripped tightly, and tugged them along.

“Let’s go, let’s go!”

-x-

Kageyama remembered why hanging out with people was not in his list of favorite things to do.

It was _exhausting_.

Kageyama sat on a bench, Ringo sitting in front of him, Natsu next to him. She pet Ringo happily as Hinata disappeared into a shop. Kageyama sighed heavily, rubbing his eyes.

“Tobio-niichan,” Natsu scooted closer, tugging on his jacket sleeve, “Are you okay?”

“Hm? Yeah. I’m just tired, is all.” He replied.

“I get grumpy when I’m tired,” Natsu said, smiling as Ringo rested his head on her lap with a sigh, “Sometimes when I can’t sleep good, nii-chan will make me some hot chocolate and read me a bed time story.”

“Mmm.” Kageyama hummed in affirmation, resting his chin in his palm. He felt Natsu move closer, and he glanced at her.

“Nii-chan said you were feeling really sad a little bit ago,” she said quietly. Kageyama blinked as she rested her head on his arm. “I’m glad you’re not sad anymore, Tobio-niichan. I think if you stayed sad, nii-chan would have been really sad, too.”

Kageyama’s eyes widened.

Children are oddly perceptive.

“I got it!” Hinata came out of the store, raising his bag in victory, “I got my present!”

“Congratulations,” Kageyama said, and Natsu even gave him a polite little round of applause.

“The toy store is the next shop,” Hinata said, and Natsu yelled in excitement, jumping off the bench. Ringo barked in response, and Kageyama stood up, stretching out. “Ah, what are we going to do about Ringo?”

“If I can’t bring him in, I can always just tie up his leash to a street light.” Kageyama said, blinking at Hinata and Natsu’s horrified looks. “…What? I do it all the time. He knows not to try and walk away, and I always keep an eye on him from the store…”

“Maybe the store lets dogs in!” Hinata said.

“NO DOGS ALLOWED,” the sign on the outside of the toy store said in big bold red font.

“You and Natsu go in,” Kageyama said, “I’ll stay out here with Ringo.”

“Are you sure?” Hinata asked, and Kageyama nodded.

“After you guys are done, I’ll run in and take a quick look around. It’s fine, really. The place is probably swarming with kids, anyway.”

“…Alright,” Hinata relented, “We’ll be out soon. Let’s go, Natsu!”

The two disappeared into the toy store, leaving Kageyama alone on a bench with Ringo.

_Finally_ , he thought, _A moment of silence_.

-x-

After Hinata returned, Natsu carrying a bag with what seemed to be a stuffed animal sticking out, Kageyama ran in to see if he could find something for Hinata for the Secret Santa.

He wandered around, helping a couple kids reach things off of shelves to look at them, and just as he lost all hope of finding Hinata a good enough present, he saw it.

A big, round, black, blob.

He approached it with a furrowed brow, picking it up.

Two white beady eyes stared back, with two little wings poking out of the sides of the body, and two little legs coming from the bottom.

It was a crow.

It was _perfect_.

-x-

“Bye bye, Tobio-niichan!” Natsu said, reaching her arms up expectantly.

Kageyama stared, tilting his head.

“She wants a hug, Kageyama,” Hinata nudged him, and Kageyama flushed, crouching down to Natsu’s level so she could wrap her little arms around his neck in a hug. He pat her back awkwardly, and she pulled away to press a kiss on his nose.

“Merry Christmas!” she added on, then focused her attention back onto Ringo, smothering his head in kisses and hugging him tightly.

“Alright, we’d better get going,” Hinata smiled at the other, making Kageyama’s stomach flip-flop, “It was nice running into you, Kageyama! We should hang out outside of school again sometime!”

“…Yeah,” Kageyama agreed softly, “Yeah, uh…That would be…nice.”

Hinata grinned, then took Natsu’s hand in his, waving with the other.

“Bye, Kageyama! See you at the Secret Santa!”

Kageyama waved goodbye to the siblings, watching as they walked down the road. His stomach was still doing flip-flops at the idea of hanging out with Hinata again, and his face still felt warm.

“…Let’s go home, Ringo,” he muttered, and the two of them began their trek home.

-x-

“How do you tell if you like someone?”

The lady in the pantsuit paused in her scratching against her clipboard, looking up at Kageyama. He blushed hotly and turned his head to continue to look out the window.

“Well,” she began carefully, pursing her lips in thought, “You get butterflies in your stomach. You find yourself thinking about them all the time. You stare at them all the time…Everything they do is perfect in your eyes.”

“Do…Do you have someone you like?” Kageyama asked hesitantly, and the lady smiled.

“I do,” she replied, “I’ve liked them for a long time now. Almost 15 years. What about you, Kageyama-kun? Do you have someone you like?”

Kageyama blinked, continuing to stare out the window. He thought of Hinata, and his stomach clenched up again.

“Kageyama-kun?”

“Fuck,” he muttered, “Oh, _fuck_. Fuckin’ _shit_.”

“Kageyama-kun?” the lady asked again, “What’s wrong?”

“That fucking moron,” he seethed, standing up and pacing, “He just _had_ to care, didn’t he? He just _had_ to stop me that day and tell me that he had been watching me and had a _crush_ on me-“

“Whoa, whoa, slow down, Kageyama-kun,” she said softly, soothingly, “Let’s calm down and talk about it, okay? Talk me through what you’re feeling.”

“I’m feeling pissed off,” he snapped, “Because _of course_ I developed a crush on that dumbass Hinata. That fucking idiot with his cute smiles and positive demeanor and saving my life.”

“Hinata?” she blinked, “The boy from your volleyball team?”

“ _Yes_ ,” he ground out, “That stupid dumbass. What the fuck do I do now?”

“Kageyama-kun, why don’t you sit back down, hm?” she pat the armrest of the chair Kageyama usually sat in, “And we’ll talk through it. Okay?”

Kageyama deflated as he sat down.

“It’s bad enough that I’m depressed,” he mumbled, rubbing his temples, “Now I’m depressed _and_ gay?”

“What do you mean by that?” she asked.

“It was hard enough to tell my parents I was depressed,” he griped, “How am I going to tell them I like a boy now? They can only handle so many problems with me…”

“So you feel that being gay is a problem?” she asked, and Kageyama paused.

“…Not…really,” he decided, “I mean, I never really thought about stuff like that. I’ve never even had a crush on anyone…I don’t even find anybody attractive most of the time,” he explained, “I…I only ever found Hinata attractive, honestly…”

“Hmm,” she hummed thoughtfully, then looked up from her notepad with a comforting smile, “Kageyama-kun, do you know about asexuality?”

“Uh,” he scratched his head, “Isn’t that when a person doesn’t have sex?”

“Well, sort of,” she crossed her legs, “It’s when someone doesn’t experience sexual attraction. They can still feel romantic attractions, but a majority of the time, an asexual person is not really interested in sex.”

“I…I wouldn’t…” Kageyama flushed hotly, clearing his throat, “I-I wouldn’t mind…doing stuff like that…if it was with…him.”

“Kageyama-kun, I don’t think you’re gay, per se,” she said, “I think you may be what people call demisexual.”

“Demi…what is that?” he asked curiously, and the lady in the pantsuit smiled softly.

“A demisexual person is someone who experiences romantic and sometimes sexual attraction to a person they have a deep emotional connection with.” She explained, “It’s almost like a subsection of asexuality, so to speak. So, since you’ve been bonding with Hinata over the past few weeks, it seems like you’ve developed feelings for him.”

“…Oh.” He blinked, “…But how do I tell my parents I like a boy?”

“You don’t have to tell them right away, Kageyama-kun,” she said softly, “You should come out to them when you’re ready to. I’m sure your parents will love you no matter what.”

“…Okay.”

-x-

Now that Kageyama had realized that he liked Hinata more than a friend, he started to notice little things about him.

Like the way his hair looked shiny and soft to the touch. The way he would smile and laugh at almost anything. How tiny he was compared to Kageyama. The way he would share parts of his bento with Kageyama at lunch time. The way he would steal sips of Kageyama’s milk box. The way he looked when he spiked Kageyama’s toss. The way he stuck out his tongue when he was concentrating on his schoolwork when they would study together in the library. The way his lower lip would jut out when he pouted that Kageyama wouldn’t do something for him. His laugh when he came over to Kageyama’s house and Ringo licked at his face. The way they had gotten so close so quickly.

He had to tell him. He had to tell Hinata how he felt. It felt like it was eating him alive. He had almost blurted it out multiple times at practice when he watched Hinata soar, but he bit his lip and held it in, stuttering out a “naf- nifss” and stomping away in embarrassment.

Kageyama was glaring at his dinner, his chopsticks shaking in his hands as he picked away the mushrooms and put them off to the side.

“Tobio, are you alright?” his father asked, “I know you don’t like mushrooms, but you’ve never looked this mad at them.”

“M’fine,” he muttered, finally picking at the beef, and his mother frowned, looking at his father.

“Honey, you know you can tell us anything, right?” she asked softly, and he sighed heavily.

“…Yeah.” He stopped picking at his beef, took a deep breath, and looked up at them. “I like Hinata.”

“Hinata? Oh, Shouyou!” his mother smiled, “Oh, he’s such a wonderful boy. You should bring him over more often, Tobio. He’s so delightful!” his father nodded in sage agreement, and Kageyama furrowed his brow.

“No,” he shook his head, “No, Mom, I _like_ Hinata. Like…Like how you like Dad!”

“Well after twenty years of marriage and a son I hope your mother doesn’t just _like_ me,” his father muttered, and his mother laughed again, smacking his arm playfully.

“We know what you meant, Tobio,” she said softly, reaching over to squeeze his hand comfortingly, “We kind of already knew that you liked him more than a friend, to be honest.”

“Wha…How?” he asked, completely blown away at the nonchalant atmosphere, and his mother smiled knowingly.

“Oh Tobio, you look at that boy like he’s the most incredible thing you’ve ever seen. It wasn’t that hard to figure out.”

“We still love you, Tobio,” his father said, smiling at him, “You’re our only son who has fought through a lot these past few weeks. Liking a boy wouldn’t change how proud of you we are.”

Kageyama blinked owlishly, his cheeks turning warm as his parents continued to smile at him.

“Th…Thanks.”

“Now eat! Your dinner’s gonna get cold.”

“And next time you bring Shouyou over, he better be your boyfriend!”

“ _Mom_ …!”

-x-

The day of the Secret Santa was a rough day indeed. Kageyama had to fight his way out of bed, text messages and finally a call from Hinata pushing him through.

“Are you out of bed yet, Kageyama?!” he practically yelled in the phone, “Today is the Secret Santa party!”

“It’s not until later, you dumbass,” Kageyama replied without his usual bite, and Hinata paused on the other end.

“Hey, Kageyama,” he said, softer than before, “Do you need me to come over?”

“What?” he asked, looking at his clock, “It’s only eleven o’clock. I don’t need to get out of bed right now. I’ll be fine.”

Kageyama had a hard time believing himself when he said that. His body felt all heavy and sad, and not at all ready for a party. Hinata went quiet again.

“I’m gonna come over!” he decided, and Kageyama heard rustling on the other end, “I’m gonna get ready and then come over! And we’ll have lunch together, okay?!”

“What?” Kageyama asked again, “Dumbass, I’m fine. Don’t worry about-“

“See you soon, Kageyama!” he chimed, then the call ended, and Kageyama groaned in frustration.

True to his word, Hinata came over, and he did not even bother knocking, letting himself in with the extra key hidden in the mailbox.

“Kageyama!” he greeted when he opened the bedroom door, and Kageyama grunted. He tried to make his body sit up, but he felt too lethargic and heavy to do so. Soon Hinata was sitting next to his bed on the floor, resting his chin on the mattress near Kageyama’s face. “What do you want to eat for lunch?”

“I haven’t even eaten breakfast yet,” Kageyama mumbled, covering his reddening cheeks with his blanket, and Hinata smiled at him.

“Then we’ll have breakfast! Do you like tamago kake gohan? I know how to make that!”

“It’s okay, I guess,” he replied and Hinata looked completely scandalized.

“My God, Kageyama, it is not just _okay_ ,” he scolded, “Tamago kake gohan is _delicious_. And we _will_ be having some. Wait right here!”

Kageyama heard lots of banging as Hinata maneuvered his way through the kitchen, Ringo barking at the loud noises and Hinata trying to hush him. He heard him bargain with the dog with a treat, and Kageyama soon saw Ringo laying on his floor chewing his way through a Begg’n Strip.

Suddenly, Hinata was in the room, carrying two bowls of hot rice with an egg oozing on top of them, a bottle of soy sauce under his arm.

“I didn’t know if you liked soy sauce, so I brought it anyway!” he chirped, “And look, you guys have cute Rilakkuma spoons! Natsu has some of these!”

“They’re my mom’s,” Kageyama explained, and Hinata smiled, setting the bowls on the desk.

“Alright, Kageyama, time to sit up!”

“Okay.” Kageyama sighed, but made no move to do so. Hinata huffed, his bangs fluttering slightly.

“Do you need some help?” he asked softly, and Kageyama frowned.

“No. I can do it.” he mumbled, trying to make his body cooperate. He stretched out with a grunt, feeling his aching muscles rush with blood, his back cracking. He relaxed, then flopped onto his back. He finally pulled himself up with a grunt, and jumped slightly when Hinata cheered. “Wh-What the fuck?”

“You did it, Kageyama!” he smiled brightly, and Kageyama flushed, looking away.

“Sh-Shut up,” he muttered, and Hinata handed him his bowl of rice, and Kageyama blinked at it. “…I’m not really all that hungry…”

“Nope!” Hinata said, sitting across from him on the bed with his own bowl, “Eat! You need to keep up your strength!”

“But-“

“No buts! At least eat a few bites! Please?” Hinata urged, and Kageyama sighed, mixing his rice together with the egg, Hinata eating his with gusto.

Kageyama took the first bite, and it was like eating paste. He chewed thoroughly and swallowed, fighting back an unpleasant shiver. He looked over at Hinata’s bowl, which was empty now. The orange-haired boy got off the bed to put his dish on the desk, then sat back down across from Kageyama.

“Hey,” Hinata said softly, moving closer, “Is…Is it bad again?”

Kageyama took in a sharp breath like he had been stabbed, clutching the bowl of sticky yellow rice in his hands, shivering slightly. Hinata carefully, gently, pried the bowl from his fingers, setting it on Kageyama’s desk and sitting back down in front of him.

Hinata’s hands were so small. His fingers were slender and short as they slid in between Kageyama’s, their palms meeting.

“It’s okay, Kageyama,” he soothed, “It has to be bad before it gets better. You’ve been doing so well, Kageyama. Everyone is so proud of you.”

_Please don’t_ , Kageyama tried to say, but all that came out was a shuddery sob, the tears finally falling from his eyes.

Hinata rearranged them so that Kageyama’s head was resting on his chest, Hinata propped against the head board with some pillows. Kageyama held him tightly as Hinata smoothed his fingers through his hair, humming some nonsensical tune under his breath.

And Kageyama cried. There was no rhyme or reason to it. There was no reason for all of the things he was feeling. Depression was weird like that, the lady in the pantsuit told him. There was no reason for it. It just comes and stays sticky on your skin, lumpy in your throat, heavy in your heart, suffocating and cold all at once.

“Natsu got really mad at me, you know,” Hinata murmured against Kageyama’s hair, “She wanted to come over and see you and Ringo. I said she couldn’t come and she nearly cried.”

Kageyama tried to let out a laugh, but it came out as a strangled whimper, and he sniffled loudly, wetly.

“We don’t have to be on time to the Secret Santa.” Hinata whispered, “Whenever you’re ready, we’ll go.”

“Okay.” Kageyama sighed, his eyes slipping shut, a couple stray tears slipping out of the corners.

He dreamt he was floating at sea. The water stretched on for miles, no land in sight. Kageyama thought briefly that maybe he should be worried, scared even. But even though he was laying in the middle of the ocean, there was a warm, comforting presence beneath the surface of the water that made him feel safe.

‘ _You’re so special, Tobio,_ ’ a voice in his dream whispered from beneath the sea, ‘ _You’re so wonderful and beautiful and important. There are so many people that love and care about you. You’re going to be just fine._ ’

He woke up a couple hours later, and in their sleep, Hinata had moved him off of his chest and laid down next to him, Hinata’s back to Kageyama’s front.

Kageyama hugged him closer, sighing in contentment as he listened to Hinata snore.

-x-

Kageyama got up after a while of holding Hinata, going to take a shower while Hinata continued to nap. When he got out, Hinata was still in Kageyama’s bed, hugging one of his pillows, staring off contemplatively while Ringo laid on his side next to him.

“Hey,” Kageyama greeted, resting the towel he was using to dry off his hair on his shoulders. Hinata blinked, letting go of the pillow and sitting up, stretching with a grunt.

“Hey,” he replied, “Feeling better?”

“A little,” Kageyama admitted, then quietly, “Thank you.”

“It’s no problem,” Hinata smiled at him, but there was something subdued about it, maybe even a little sad.

“Wanna play some video games? We still have a little time before the party.”

“Sure!” Hinata got out of bed, Ringo following, jumping down and shaking his fur out before he trotted towards Kageyama. “I’ll kick your ass at Super Smash Brothers.”

“Doubt it,” Kageyama snorted, reaching down to scratch behind Ringo’s ear.

“You say that now, but you’ve never played against someone like me,” Hinata boasted, “I’m a Smash Brothers master!”

“Yeah right, you dumbass,” Kageyama sneered, their bantering continuing as they made their way downstairs.

-x-

“FUCK!” Hinata shouted, “One more!”

“Dumbass, just admit defeat! We have to leave soon anyway.”

“No! _Hell_ no! I have to beat you one more time so we can tie it back up!”

“Oh my God, don’t be such a sore loser, Hinata.” Kageyama stood up, setting his controller on the coffee table. “We need to start heading out now, really. The party is gonna start soon.”

“Fine,” Hinata huffed, pouting as he put his controller next to Kageyama’s. He continued to pout as the two of them got ready to leave, Kageyama snickering and reaching out to pinch his cheek.

“That’s enough of that,” he ordered, tugging on the flesh and making Hinata whine.

“Alright, alright,” Hinata smiled widely at him, rubbing his cheek, “Let’s go!”

_Tonight_ , Kageyama thought as he watched Hinata twirl in the snow that was falling from the sky, laughing and grinning and making Kageyama’s heart melt and his stomach flutter, _I’ll tell him tonight_.

-x-

The Secret Santa was at Sawamura’s house. His mother answered the door with a warm smile and directed them to the basement, where Nishinoya and Tanaka’s yelling could be heard.

Hinata grinned in excitement, and Kageyama accidentally acted on his gut instinct to turn away and march straight back home, Hinata squawking and grabbing his arm and tugging him down the stairs.

“Hinata, Kageyama!” Sugawara greeted them. “Glad you could make it!”

Sawamura’s basement was pretty big, Kageyama observed. A flat screen TV that had Mario Kart set up, bean bag chairs, a big leather couch with lots of pillows and blankets. There was even a bar, but that section of the basement was blocked off and there was no alcohol in the bar (probably hidden from Tanaka and Nishinoya).

“Nice to see you two,” Sawamura grinned, “Presents are going on that table. There’s snacks and the pizza just came a few minutes ago. Help yourselves and get comfy. Let me know if you need anything, alright?”

“Yep!” Hinata yelled, taking his present over to the table, Kageyama following him like a lost puppy. “Look, Kageyama, look at all the presents! I wonder which one is mine!” Kageyama snorted, glancing around for his present.

“These are all kinda wrapped badly,” he deadpanned, and Hinata laughed.

“That’s why I had my mom help me wrap mine,” he admitted, “If I wrapped it, it would look a lot like this one.” He pointed to a terribly wrapped box with three different papers and tape sticking out. Kageyama snorted.

They joined everyone in the TV area, NIshinoya, Tanaka, Kinoshita and Narita duking it out in Mario Kart, the four of them yelling curse words and pushing each other to try and throw each other off. Tsukishima, Yamaguchi and Ennoshita were sitting on the couch under some blankets, sharing a bowl of popcorn. Asahi was sitting in a bean bag chair next to Sugawara, both of them eating pizza. Hinata trotted over to the couch, gesturing for Kageyama to follow.

“Hey, Hinata, Kageyama,” Ennoshita greeted with a warm smile, Tsukishima ignoring them in favor of shoveling more popcorn into his mouth, and Yamaguchi patting the spot next to him for Hinata to sit. Hinata settled on the couch, tugging Kageyama to sit, and he immediately started chatting with Yamaguchi.

Kageyama watched the Mario Kart battle with detached interest, declining offers for food and a go at Mario Kart. Hinata kept his arm pressed against his, and Kageyama felt a little better knowing that Hinata was there for him. There was plenty of talk of volleyball and Mario Kart and Super Smash Brothers, as well as talk of the holidays.

“Speaking of the holidays,” Sawamura clapped his hands, “It’s time for the present exchange!”

Hinata, Tanaka, and Nishinoya let out battle cries, and Sawamura snapped at them to shut up and sit down, which they immediately obeyed. Sugawara helped Sawamura pass out the gifts, Hinata looking at him with wide eyes when he received the bag Kageyama had carried in, and Kageyama’s brow furrowing when he received the gift Hinata brought in.

“Okay, here’s the plan,” Sawamura said once the last presented was handed out, “We’ll start here with Nishinoya since he looks about ready to crap his pants and we’ll go in a circle. Once you open it, try and guess who gave it to you!”

Nishinoya ripped open his present, and was holding up a DVD of some action movie. There was explosions on the cover, which had Nishinoya yelling in excitement.

“I don’t know who got it for me,” he shouted, looking around the room, “Ah, Ennoshita, you got it for me!”

“How did you know?” Ennoshita asked with a smile, “I thought for sure you would have guessed Tanaka.”

“I saw it in your eyes,” Nishinoya replied.

Tanaka went next, ripping the wrapping paper with his teeth and pulling out a t-shirt with a band that only Nishinoya recognized. Tanaka pointed at Kinoshita with confidence, declaring, “I just told you about them last week!”

“It was me,” Narita raised his hand with a grin, “Kinoshita told me that you liked them, so I got it for you.”

Kinoshita went next, receiving an ugly Christmas sweater from Tanaka.

“You were talking about how you needed one,” Tanaka grinned, “So there you go! Wear it with pride, my friend!”

“It’s kinda itchy,” Kinoshita said as he tugged it on, “But the penguin is cute.”

Narita received a CD from Yamaguchi.

“You better enjoy that,” Tsukishima piped up, “I went with him through like, seven different music shops to find that confounded thing.”

“I will enjoy it,” Narita promised with a grin, “Thanks a lot, Yamaguchi!”

Sawamura was next, and he received a book from one of his favorite authors from Tsukishima. Sugawara received _something_ from Sawamura, but he opened the box and immediately slapped it closed, blushing brightly and urging Asahi to go while Sawamura smirked to himself.

“What do you think it was?” Hinata whispered, and Kageyama shrugged.

“Something dirty, probably.”

Asahi received a bunch of hair care products from Nishinoya, and Ennoshita received a book full of puzzles and brain teasers from Sawamura. Tsukishima received a rather hefty book about dinosaurs from Asahi, and Yamaguchi received a few pairs of patterned socks and a giftcard from Sugawara.

Then it was Hinata’s turn.

“Well, I know Kageyama got me this,” Hinata said as he held up the bag, “But I don’t know what it is.”

Hinata tugged at the bow holding the handles of the bag together, pulling away tissue paper before he got to the actual present.

“ _Uwaahhh!_ ” he cried, pulling out the stuffed crow, “K-Kageyama, it’s so cute!”

“What is it?” Tanaka asked, “A blob?”

“No, it’s a crow!” Hinata turned it around to show Tanaka, “Look at its little wings and beak! It’s so cute! It’s _really_ cute, Kageyama! Thank you so much!”

“I-It was nothing,” Kageyama muttered, feeling his cheeks heat up.

“Open yours now! I know you’ll like it!” Hinata urged, leaning over to look at the pristine little box.

Kageyama tore away the wrapping paper, then opened the box, which was an ornament box. He took out the plastic, blinking when he found a bauble painted to look like a volleyball.

“Wooow, that’s perfect for you, Kageyama!” Nishinoya said, “Good thinking, Shouyou!”

“Well, Kageyama? Do you like it?!” Hinata asked, grinning widely at him. Kageyama blinked rapidly, looking from Hinata to the bauble.

It was for a Secret Santa, a gift Hinata was obligated to bring, but…Kageyama had never really received a gift before. There was thought put into it. Hinata went into the store, saw this bauble and thought, _Kageyama would really like this!_ And bought it for him.

Kageyama liked Hinata. He liked him _so much_ , more than anyone he had ever liked in his whole life. He felt like he was going to explode with how much he felt for Hinata.

“I-It’s great,” he said hoarsely, “Um, I have to use the bathroom.” He blurted, carefully putting the bauble back inside its box and hurrying up the stairs, ignoring Hinata’s calls of his name.

He made a beeline for the front door, opening it and tugging on his shoes, stepping out into the brisk, winter evening, trying to catch his breath and calm down. Why was a stupid volleyball bauble reducing him to a mess?

“Kageyama!” Hinata called, “Kageyama, where are you going?! Did you not like it?! I-I’m sorry if you don’t like it, I thought you would! Please don’t go-“

“Hinata,” Kageyama choked out, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk and turning towards the orange haired boy who stopped a few feet away from him.

He looked angelic. His cheeks were red and his eyes were wide and worried. The snow fell all around him, and his breaths puffed out of his mouth.

“Hinata,” Kageyama said his name again, then, “I’m in love with you.”

They both fell silent, except for their harsh breathing. Hinata looked like a deer caught in headlights, eyes as wide as saucers and mouth parted slightly in shock.

“I’m in love with you, Hinata,” Kageyama said again, “I love the way you look after you hit one of my tosses, and I love the way you stick your tongue out when your concentrating on your work, and I love the way you steal from my lunch and my milk boxes, and I love your laugh,” he listed off, taking a deep breath before continuing, “I’ve never felt like this about anyone. And I’m so scared. I’m so _scared_ , Hinata, I don’t know what to do.” Kageyama inhaled sharply, swallowing back tears, “I feel like I’m never gonna be okay. I’m never gonna be normal. I’m always going to have this gaping hole in my chest, this _sadness_ \- But…but you,” he sniffed, wiping at his eyes, “You saved me. That day at the lake, you saved me. You stopped for some classmate you barely knew, you stopped for me, because you cared…I almost killed myself.” He choked out, wiping away more tears and wiping at his nose, well aware that he was rambling now, but he could not stop, “But you stopped me. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to repay you for that. But I want to try. I want to try and pay you back for everything you’ve done for me. You’ve helped me get better. I’m still sad, and I think I’ll always be sad, but…” he wiped at his face again, “But with you, I…I’m happy. I feel okay. I feel like maybe not everything is as shitty as it seems.” Kageyama paused, finally looking up at Hinata.

Hinata was crying.

His lower lip was quivering, big fat tears drizzling down his ruddy cheeks.

“Kageyama,” he choked out, “K-Kageyama…! Kage- _hic_ -yama…!”

Kageyama panicked, stumbling over to the smaller boy, wiping at his cheeks with his sleeves.

“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry, _I’m so sorry_ -“

“I love you,” Hinata sobbed, “Kageyama, I l-love you, too…!”

Kageyama exhaled shakily, cupping Hinata’s cheeks in his hands. Then gently,

Ever so gently,

He leaned down, and carefully,

Oh so carefully,

Pressed his lips against Hinata’s.

-x-

It was snowing.

Kageyama looked up to the sky, a gloomy grey as white flakes fell gently all around him.

He held out his hand, a snowflake landing in his palm and melting upon contact.

“Snowing again, huh?” the voice next to him asked, and he turned, seeing Hinata smiling at him.

“Yeah,” he said softly, “It’s been snowing a lot recently, hasn’t it?”

“It has!” Hinata agreed, “But look!”

Kageyama followed Hinata’s finger, seeing the sun poking through the grey.

“The sun is coming out!” Hinata took Kageyama’s hand in his gloved one, smiling wider.

Kageyama smiled softly, giving Hinata’s hand a squeeze.

“Yeah,” he replied, “Yeah it is.”

“Oh, I forgot to tell you!” Hinata began, “I named the crow you gave me for the Secret Santa!”

“You…named it?” Kageyama asked, and Hinata nodded, swinging their joined hands back and forth as they walked.

“I named him Hishou!” he boasted, and Kageyama blinked.

“Hi…shou…?” he asked, and Hinata smiled.

“Sugawara told me,” he said softly, “That if you take the ‘tobi’ from Tobio, and the ‘shou’ from Shouyou, it makes ‘hishou’, which is used to represent things in flight.”

Hinata paused, turning to Kageyama, smiling sweetly.

“I think it suits him, don’t you?” he asked softly, and Kageyama smiled, leaning down to press their lips together.

“It’s perfect.” He murmured, kissing Hinata again, deeper this time.

“I love you, Tobio,” Hinata whispered, and Kageyama sighed happily, pressing their foreheads together, swallowing the lump in his throat.

“I love you too, Shouyou.”

-x-

Kageyama was not perfect.

He was flawed. He was only human. He knew deep down that there would always be a hole in his heart. Sometimes it would shrink, and sometimes it would grow, and Kageyama would be sad. It was not something he could help, and no matter how hard you try to fill it or cover it up or fix it, it will still be there, threatening to take over.

Hinata knew that, too.

He knew that Kageyama was not someone that needed to be fixed. He felt that Kageyama was perfect the way he was, black sticky sadness and all. Sometimes Kageyama would be sad, and Hinata understood. He would hold Kageyama and let him be sad, and try to help him through it with warm hugs and gentle kisses and warm cups of hot chocolate and silly cartoons.

Kageyama appreciated it. He would take every single thing Hinata gave him to help him feel better, with so much gratitude and love, feeling a little bit better just knowing he would stay with him for as long as he needed him to.

Soon, there was a lot more good days than bad days. Kageyama was sleeping regularly and eating a lot more and listening in class and feeling a lot less hopeless.

“I have you to thank for that,” he whispered into Hinata’s ear one night, curled up underneath the blankets.

“No,” Hinata replied, grinning brightly, “You did it. You fought your way through the storm. I was just there to help you out a little bit when you needed it.”

Kageyama stared at him, taking Hinata’s face in his hands and kissing him.

“Thank you,” he murmured, kissing him again.

“I love you, Tobio.” Hinata replied in between kisses, “I love you so much. I’m so proud of you.”

They fell asleep like that,

Whispering ‘I love you’s, and kissing each other softly,

and Kageyama dreamt he was at sea again, Hinata’s hand clutched tightly in his, both of them floating gently on the waves.

**Author's Note:**

> hello again! here is that monster of a kagehina i told y'all i was brewing up!! 30 pages and 11000+ words. wowie.
> 
> i started typing this one night while i was listening to the halcyon days album by ellie goulding and crying. it wasn't like a sad cry, it was more just like a therapeutic cry. anyway, i started typing this up, and i didn't think much of it, but after i reread it, i wanted to keep going. i'm one of those people who takes out their feelings on their favorite characters. so kageyama became the subject of my confusion and thoughts about depression.
> 
> it is important for me to mention that if you are feeling depressed and have been dealing with suicidal thoughts or harming yourself, please seek help from someone you trust! your life is worth living! you are a very important human being who has a lot to contribute to this world! 
> 
> this work is very special to me, and also a little embarrassing...probably because i channeled a lot of feelings into it, and spent so much time on it. there are some parts where i'm a little unhappy with what i produced, however. the fast pace of the story, kageyama and his anti-depressants, and the secret santa just to name a few.
> 
> also, hinata's name for his crow was heavily influenced by the doujinshi 'hishou'!!
> 
> i feel like i want to type a whole other story down here about me and my problems BUT i will cut off my rambling here and leave this fic here. 
> 
> i am on tumblr, mazel-tov! if'n ya wanna talk.
> 
> thank you in advanced for any comments or kudos!!!


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